Letter to Santa
 kangaroo Tue Dec 24 23:27:04 EST 1996
Dear Santa Claus,
I hope you and Mrs. Claus are fine and doing well, and the weather is not too bad at the North Pole, but it is probably dreadful, given the season. And I also hope that the elves have been working hard and the reindeer are raring to go tonight. Hopefully, everything will go off without a hitch.
I am sorry that I don’t write more often. Given your generosity, the present to letter-writing ratio is quite unfair to you. Getting mail just 1 day out of 365 isn’t right. In leap years, it’s even more unfair. But if you give me what I want for Christmas, I will, at the very least, send you a card and a chocolate bunny next Easter. I apologize in advance, because the chocolate bunny will probably come courtesy of Keebler, who are non-union, unlike your own elves.
Now I guess it’s time to get down to business, where I come in crawling on the floor asking you for gifts. This may bring us, unfortunately, to what they call an impasse. I don’t know what that means, but it’s French, and it sounds good.
Kangaroo is as aware of THE LIST as is Santa Claus’s awareness of Kangaroo. We’re on equal terms. We both know that Kangaroo did something bad last year. But Kangaroo has done no harm to other people. At least, not in any physical sense of the word. Kangaroo has only harmed Kangaroo. Please take that into consideration when you check the list, and the second time around, too.
O.K. We have our cards on the table. On with my list:
1.) A new pouch, because mine is so worn out from delivering email. Just last week, Kangaroo received email from someone in The Valley of the Kings who told Kangaroo how to make $50,000 in just four weeks! Kangaroo would like to be rich. Kangaroo would like to be rich so much that he sent this enterprising individual over 20,000 replies just so he would get the message.
2.) A peaceful end to this awful awful war we’re fighting in Vietnam.
3.) A Chia Pet. Kangaroo would very much like to see something grow, in a way that only Oliver Douglas would understand.
4.) A Salad Shooter, and a license to carry one. Kangaroo has a score to settle with a head of lettuce.
5.) Magnetic Resonance Imaging. Santa, Kangaroo knows you probably get a lot of requests for medical procedures this time of year: My Uncle Elmo needs operation X for condition Y. Those types of requests. But if you think I can’t justify an MRI, consult #2. Besides, the claustrophobia factor that’s supposed to set in and the humming sound from the magnets reminds Kangaroo of a ride at an amusement park. Kangaroo likes amusement parks.
6.) A first edition copy, from fine to excellent condition, with the jacket intact, of Walter Tevis’s Mockingbird.
Santa, on second thought, you can strike #4, because we have what you call a “five-day waiting period” in this state where I live in this small and insignificant country. On third thought, if there is such a thing, strike everything from the list.
“You don’t even have to drop by my house. Just give everyone I know and love – present company particularly included – the best that you have to offer.”
“That’s all I want. That’s all I ever want”.
All the same, if you’re in the neighborhood, feel free to stop by. Kangaroo has milk. Kangaroo has cookies.